how to start:

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[audio:|titles=how to start:|artists=john mortara]

well at first you must start in the dark.

this is one of those things people say like: i am in the dark.

but really i mean   shut the lights   turn off the world   sit in the dark   and talk to yourself.


what am i doing right now? i am starting.
i am walking my hands over my body and feeling for any abnormalities
like this bump was not here earlier
and this scar is normal
but it is not quite normal for everybody.

and then say:

i have this scar because i have this scar
because i decided it would be a good idea to ride my bike downhill
but let go at the same time
and my legs and my arms were flailing in the wind
and my body was shaking away all balance

and then say:

that was not very good
but it is a start and it is in the dark.

and please promise not to look for light. do not look at any light you may know of.

stay away from the windows. stay away from your phone and stay away from the clock.

all you can allow yourself is the occasional pushing of your eyelids into your eyes into your sockets and watching the orange red blue green float like galaxies and maybe that is how you start.

yes, push your eyelids into your eyes into your sockets and watch your brain build swirls and television static and maybe you can rock back-and-forth for an hour or two inside of it and then take your dark out for a walk.

maybe you can take your dark to parties and tell people about your dark and how this is the only way you know how to start.

maybe you can take your dark for a drink and ask it what it thinks of the swirls and television static inside of it and maybe you can tell the dark your deepest darkest secret.

the dark certainly wouldn’t mind it and maybe this is a good way to start.

tell the dark that you used to love a lot of people and now you are unsure about why.

the dark will be able to relate to this. mainly because it is dark and it has never loved anyone quite the way it loves you.

and it does not love you. it is simply how you start.

everyone has to start somewhere and everyone starts with his or her eyes closed.

do not open them.

i am telling you this and all these things i tell you must be done in the absolute dark.

do not tell the dark how much you miss light. light is queen bee on earth but in the rest of the universe dark is very much king. dark is left to hiding and you know what this is like.

it is what you are doing right now. you have gravitated home and you are hiding.

so start in the dark and do not stop once you are in the dark.

stop hitting the bottle even though the bottle is dark. when you drink the bottle becomes light and the dark might be jealous.

jealousy is a good place to start.

like how you thought people could be yours and when you found out that you owned no one and no one owned you then maybe this is why you hid in the dark.

when you have everything in the dark there is nothing to be jealous of and i can see how this might sound greedy.

so maybe greed is a good place to start.

greed is not knowing when to stop your wanting. it is not knowing when the glass is already full.

the dark is not greedy because the dark has room for everyone.

maybe it’s time you opened your eyes and looked around now.

see how everyone has a scar like yours?

this is a good place to start.