because because

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[audio:https://killauthor.com/audio/issuefifteen/eric_ellingsen_1.mp3|titles=Because Because|artists=Eric Ellingsen]

I knew even then that it was already endless. By endless I don’t mean forever. I mean, it’s like we were both using the same table to set things on, but they were heart things, and so it was a heart table. So in other words it’s not the same hardness all over. Heart tables are not the same hardness all over. By which I mean that the same heart table has a part where you set your heart parts which make the heart table scale on that part of the table, and by scale I mean like a scale works, by which I mean, part of the heart table sinks down and other parts of the heart table sink up. But then my heart part on the part of the heart table lifts up, like up up, like it’s lighter up. And we like this for a second, or two, or lots of two seconds, and more, less down.

So we lean on the heart table scaling together. We hang out around the heart table together. So we together together and other things too, and I mean together together, like hum hum hum together. And as our hearts were in the hum hum humming of course some other heart was bound to come hum, hum, humming by, is bound to come bounding by. (It’s such a humming song, a magnet song, a song that makes little micro black-heart holes all over the place, so attractive, so sucking, so yes.) And so some other heart comes by and knocks into the heart table, which makes your heart part wobble a bit differently. And since our hearts were already wobbling a bit differently, this makes a wobble on top of a wobble, so it’s a meta-wobble, and meta-wobbles are heard, really heard. It’s really hard to meta-wobble multiple heart parts together on a heart table. But I didn’t know that then, which made me reach for my heart part because I got afraid my heart part might break; I still get afraid that my heart part might fall and break. And even though it’s just one heart part it’s a real heart part, it’s a real real heart part I had up there, just like you.

And you know how all little heart parts alloy, make bigger parts, like the whole of heart parts alloying always equal more than the sum of the parts equal. And you know it’s like every heart part has something like a switchboard to every other heart part, like connected with parametric wires but without wires but with signals. So any heart part is a hard part to get hurt. So as I’m reaching to stabilize my meta-wobble heart part on the heart table, I notice the new heart part starts to depart a bit, which makes my heart part change, and I mean like one of those little changes, like an electron charge change, like a little heart gate in the heart brain that sends a heart signal. It was a signal so big that there was nothing my little bit of the heart part could do about it.

So of course I said to that other heart part, without thinking about it, hey, wait a minute, what a great heart part you have. That heart part is so amazing, I mean really amazing, amazing amazing, like beautiful, like helps make me see my heart parts more beautiful, like feels philosophic even, which is weird because it’s more of a philosophy with grease handles, something that lets you hold onto the slip. So I had to say, wait, wait, wait, let’s talk about grease handles and slipping away! Can’t you just hang around for a second on the heart table with me? Just for a second or two, I mean just because you have to, just because you have to have to, because because, because it’s just a little part of the big picture thing—because you know the big picture heart thing.

But then your heart part went through the roof, and I mean through the roof through the roof, like the roof is gone, like gone to smithereens, like blown away big time, like not in the light light way. And then my heart part sinks because I have to stand on the heart table because of the heart breaking part already mentioned. And it’s really really hard to stand on the heart table for any amount of real time. I mean you know this, that it’s really hard to stand on the heart table.

I mean, a heart floor is different, way way different. Even way way different than a heart handrail, and way way different than a heart window, or a heart staircase. And way way way different than a heart wall. A heart table is way way way different than a heart wall. Everybody knows that. Even the heart scientists all agree, even the hard heart professors, and the heart sprinters that can heart in 10 seconds flat. It’s like more different than a lot more different. Which of course made you right to scream, get your fucking feet off the heart table! Get your fucking feet off the heart table! And that scared me. You usually don’t react with such roar. But then I was really really really scared when you said, I hate heart tables! I hate hate hate heart tables! (Really really really scared is a kind of scared mixed with sad mixed with confused mixed with defensive mixed with heart, because I’m not really sure if I’ve done something really wrong, and so it’s vulnerable and angry welded together into a quick shield of survival confidence.)

So then I really really got really close to the other heart part. Because I just had to. Because I was scared. Because it was hopeless. Because there it was, that heart, that other wonderful heart with those heart legs, and it was straight into the la la land again, because. Because because. Because I was hot. Because that heart was so hot, so damn hot. Because you seemed so cold so suddenly, so cool about it. Because you became so heady about the heart parts so unhappily. Because hearts just happen to happen that way, which you know. I mean, you know it. I mean, you know you know it. You know that about the heart parts. And one of the hard parts is that you know that you know it, which we all know doesn’t help. I mean, knowing heart things will happen ahead of time is about as stupid as square watermelons. And I’ve got tons of square watermelons. It just doesn’t help to know know it at all, it doesn’t help at all at all to know know it ahead of time. Once the heart parts are on the table it’s always different, the meta-wobbles always make it different.

Which means that of course our two heart parts were bound to get heart hotter, get heavy, by which I mean lighter, by which I mean soaring, because we were so heart happy. Because of course hearts make heart heat from all that beating, which makes wings, and sometimes heart tap-shoes, and what nice things to have when standing on a heart table.

Standing on a heart table makes the heart table have a new shape and sounds. Which I wasn’t expecting so much. Because I wasn’t looking for it. Because heart tables have to. Because it’s a no choice choice. A no-brainer. A nothing a heart can do about it all at once choice. I mean without even thinking about, you know, autonomic and all, and especially when you don’t have to think about it at all.

And not to cut this short, but then of course other hearts came by and put other heart parts on the heart table, which meant a ton more meta-wobbles, and ups and downs and ups, and so it was bound to get dirty, by which I mean stepped all over. But then I realized that there were heart tables all over the place. I mean, I suddenly realized that I realized that I was in like a big room full of heart tables, like a huge beer garden room full of heart tables. Heart tables of every shape. Some shaped like elbows. Some shaped like eels. Some shaped like imperfect ellipses except from the side and below at the same time, so like cones, but more like ice-cream cone heart shaped tables, like ice-cream conicals that stacked together as high as ice-cream heart skyscrapers. I noticed there were heart tables shaped like chambered nautilus shapes, shells and shapes that regulated their own buoyancy and were lunar heart clocks and solar heart clocks at the same time. I realized that there are Romanesco cabbage heart shaped tables that you can bite into when you are putting heart parts on them: those parts don’t scream when you eat heart table parts. And there are serrated shapes, and shapes like spilled shapes, like a mudslide, and eyelash shapes that laugh about it all, and shapes that on close inspection look round, and from far far away look round too except a sharp round and without closure, a not poly anything, like not gone, like more heart shaped shapes. And I noticed that there were so many heart table colors and heart table smells and heart table noises, and delicate vibrations to delight in, and heart tables that made creeks, and crawdads, and facet drips, and air duct ventilators, and distant far away orbiting things we could bounce heart signals on.

It was then I realized that there were more heart table rooms surrounding the other heart table rooms and more, like way more, like whole heart streets surrounded by other heart streets, like heart streets which have heart subtitle addresses, and those subtitle addresses have subtitle addresses, and each address changes just a little with each heart foot note step, like everything’s alive, like there are lots and lots of heart footnotes. And the heart streets surround the heart rooms surrounding the other heart rooms, filled with heart tables of all those heart shapes and heart sounds, filled with heart parts that I was putting things on, and you were putting things on, and we were putting things on, and on and on and off and on. Because suddenly I noticed that when I took one heart part off one heart table, it went on somewhere else. And that somewhere else became a heart thing too, like a heart arm-rest, or a heart chair, or a heart back-pack except shaped like a regular back-pack. And then I noticed that there are heart cities, surrounded by other heart cities, surrounding other heart cities, and so on, and so on, and then so on more. Which then means on and on and endless, like on and on and endless, like this, like you, like us. Which means, when I saw you again I just knew it was going to be endless again. I knew that even though I knew it hadn’t stopped being endless the last time. I mean, I was suddenly aware again that it was going to be endless endless again, even though I knew it wasn’t going to be forever. I knew how it was already not forever a long long time ago, and then some. It was already not forever a long long time ago and more, but I knew even then that it was already endless. I know even now that it is already endless.