Hugh Jackman, doing business as Wolverine, is what Gratch is concerned with today.

Gratch, also known as Joseph House, also known as Inmate #387604, holds his breath by day and writes by night.

In the last three years he has filed more than three thousand lawsuits.

He has claimed that the Billy Joel song ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ was playing inside the head of the stingray that struck Steve Irwin through the heart.

Gratch says this was done electronically.

The Washington Post wrote about him. They called him The Man of Many Suits. They highlight his attempt to sue Lambeau Field. They highlight that he will be released in two years.

Gratch lives in cell 507 with an inmate called Stringer. He has sued, claiming Stringer is actually made of dental floss and has attempted to mummify him every night for the last seven weeks with threads from his arms and legs, his waist, fingers and toes.

But these are just things Gratch writes down.

Stringer is actually Dennis from Boston in on complicity charges, and a model cellmate. Not at all interesting in this version. Much better as the dental floss mutant with a taste for Gratch blood and Gratch bones.

In his lawsuits Gratch will sometimes reference his meds.

In a suit filed this week against the X-Men and the actors who portray the X-Men characters (his best work yet, he feels) meds are mentioned often. It is also touched on that Hugh Jackman, doing business as Wolverine, has been stealing his lunch tray during mess.

Gratch has never taken anything stronger than an aspirin.

Gratch is white collar fraud and jumpsuit orange collar bored.

According to a federal judge in a statement made after he sued Folgers a year ago, Gratch is certainly self-promotion.

Though his mind is still on Hugh Jackman, doing business as Wolverine, Gratch has already moved on to his next project. He will next sue his alias, Joseph House.


An abstract action.

The bar must be raised and then removed for good. The Post article came out more than a year ago, and since being called out on self-promotion, Gratch has been scrambling. He feels he shouldn’t have to work so hard after three thousand lawsuits and feature articles and even a near-miss for a spot with Katie Couric.

Gratch wants people to understand the full story.

So here he is trying to concoct how he might have harmed himself or caused anguish to himself so that Adam Phillip Gratch vs. Joseph House can become his redeeming opus.

Gratch thinks now of broken brotherhood and duality, the birthmoment of wrath. He spends months finishing his last statement to fill the empty spaces between breakfast and lights out, the frivolity of his past work looming like a great stone inches from his brow.