The History of the Porch Swing

Listen to author

begins in Detroit or England. King Henry wanted to watch the cars go by his castle, thought it would be pleasant to sit on his front porch in springtime. He loved Tudor coupes and anything topless. His wife was a vampire, he convinced himself: she was holding him back from his dream of watching the sun fall like a blade on the automobiles climbing into the horizon. Then the cars were black bats. Then Henry threw open all the curtains and crafted the blueprint for a new vehicle. With some persuasion, the Church agreed that vampires must be destroyed, and the crusaders shined their best stakes for the Queen. However, the Pope declared science the most threatening of blood-eaters and wouldn’t allow Henry to construct such a diabolic time machine as the porch swing. Henry, we know, was biracial: part steam-engine, part American.