Things I Could Do to Matt Damon
if We Met on an Airplane
Pretend not to notice him, even though he’s sitting right across the aisle. Hum the Bourne Identity theme at increasing volumes, until he asks me to stop. Ask him if never winning a major award for his acting hurts. Tell him he should write another screenplay. Ask him if he’s seen Ben Affleck naked. Poke his bicep. Ask the flight attendant to give him an extra cookie. Put something in the overhead bin, just to see if he looks at my ass. ‘Fall’ into his lap and say, “I’ve never felt this comfortable around a celebrity before.” Ask him if he’s bothered by turbulence. Rub his upper thigh, to see if he’s wearing boxers or briefs—and if that doesn’t work, ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Spill water on his pants and press his lap with a napkin. Buy him one of those tiny bottles of wine. Tell him he was “just terrific” in Syriana. Blow in his ear. Write a note—I’m down if you’re up.—and slip it into his hand on the way to the bathroom.