Listen to reading by Alistair Scott

We argue about everything. We are like philosophy majors, but we are not philosophy or theosophy or sociology majors. We just like debating the metaphysical point of a hat, or more accurately, the angle a hat is perched on a head and what that says about one’s attitude towards the afterlife. We sometimes discuss the Big Bang, but we are more interested in the search for the God Particle.

We are relativist and postmodernist, also Platonist and rationalist. We believe in ‘isms’ and like to use words that end with -ions, -eists, -als and -ogys. We are chuffed with our results in psychological, philosophical, intelligent quotient tests. We giggle helplessly over our beers frothed with foam as we spill shelled peanuts all over the conference floor. We look around to have the confirmation of our identity mirrored in the faces we see. We peel off our hard-earned graduate dollars to buy the prognostications of the Truth Machine in mimeographed copies.

We are distrustful of facsimiles, dissimiles, millefoglia, grazie mille. We try to outdo each other in an IDEA CIPHER. To give an idea about the depth our ideas, we can discuss the freefall distribution of sperm, unregulated by FDA and CDC regimizations, to the IPO-ing of the biggest entity we could think of – the whole of the U.S. of A. and whether the Russians or the Chinese would end up buying.

We wear an infinitesimal array of brown turtlenecks, with a Facebook-wearied air of studied cynicism. Only certain ‘friends’ can peruse our pictures, or view our responses to comments on other people’s walls. We do not have wives or girlfriends or girls who are friends, nor are we friends with other people’s wives. In the words of Fergie, whom we all agree is the Perfect Woman, girlfriends and wives are so ‘2000 and late’. We sense seismic shifts in political convictions, colour schemes, real estate prices, and racial relations. We discuss these seismic shifts. What the then with the what what.

We live lives that could be said to be a series of first lines. We could eat five hundred oysters in one go but we don’t. We believe how you wear a suit or play with your dong or eat tortilla chips can indicate your attitude towards the afterlife. We occasionally quote funny man Hume or say ‘what a lot of tommyrot’. We are a new species.  Our philosophical leanings are sometimes at war with our hatred of being stiffed by other fellow humans. We wear all kinds of badges. One of our badges says, ‘people who come down from heaven shouldn’t chop down trees’.