i know that because of my fiscally unstable situation in terms of upbringing and currency i will always be at a higher risk for learning deficiency mental illness and marxist conversion even though i was only ever a kid in-the-body once

i know that bad credit and no black card may also count against my luck at love or swooning

perhaps against yours too as our potential mates may also be marxist

insert ‘score’ and ‘high five’ indicators with exclamation

i also know that my ‘lack thereof’ smirk smirk english classload puts my ability to speak in a fluid and formal way about the canon at a slight disadvantage

although this is a stumbling block sometimes a panic attack inducer others have helped me to realize that it ain’t a big deal

i’m up to my esophagus in debt, ‘good’ debt

it’s ‘my’ debt, it’s manageable

this is something that i have that i own like a possession more in the sense of a prominent facial mole versus any other sense one that one carries with them to their interactions at work or to happy hours or to costco or to the mirror after waking up midway through the night to pee ‘another damn time’

college also gave me instead of a background in writing a wide amount of experience handling emotions and being able to think through what seems to be an emotional response

like for example if i suddenly needed to pee all of the time incontinence i think it is called i would accept it and react to it naturally as in thoughtfully and without judgment

i am over a fourth year senior

my belief is that my well-being will be less affected than others by external things like circumstance or for example if i lose my job that is of course under the condition that i will continue to think the way that i’ve been thinking

i have writing skills that are hopefully still raw yet [sic] nastay

the characteristic of mine of which i am least proud is that i sometimes say ‘that’s funny’ instead of just laughing and it annoys me especially when i see it written but times like the time above i couldn’t help or stop myself it was like watching a car crash omnisciently all i could do was yell as the joke suddenly really wants to not be edited out now

i want this to be published under a pen name or something because ownership of it doesn’t seem right unless it ends in an act of catharsis

i feel like i still really need to know how little i can live on in terms of haves

that in many more respects than just those imaginable i’ve lived my life so far down paths that aren’t yet trying enough this is a promise short of having a pot-belly that i will continue to return to increasingly ascetic ideologies in terms of work-dedication until i am comfortable within them or have become gilded even though the difference between those two will be impossible to map and thus this ideologue idea is flawed and must now end

this realization and the challenges ahead are not upsetting as they just sit at the bottom of my skull nagging and feeling similar to the feeling from just gotten an out-of-context or inappropriately-timed tickle

i have a gut feeling that it has to do with these emotional responses

the train of thought elaborated here will probably be of great help when i re-read and consider what has been on my mind so much that both my general focus and attention as well as time spent meditating valuably have gravitated far away from their intended purposes and rewards

incontinence interestingly is not only being unable to control evacuative functions but also being unable to self-control sexual urges and in the definition they list the synonym ‘unchastity’

i need to then also look up the definition of the word catharsis because i just gained insight

my shoulders just shrugged and are shaking mid-shrug from one of those jerk reflexes that my mind and upper back would feel if outside unprotected on a chicago spring day as well

the nagging has left but will return once this shake stops